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The whole thing was written like an episode of Saved By The Bell : Zack is running for class president and decides to date a nice homely girl instead of Kelly, and she fights back by going out with the senior class president at Valley. In any case, it’s sort of heartbreaking to watch Laura Benanti give this appalling material more effort than it deserves. And it’s laughable to me that Carol-Lynne, who’s the closest thing this show has to a three-dimensional character (she’s got about 1.8 dimensions), would be hung-up on a himbo like Nick Dalton. It’s like the producers of this show decided, “Well, Don Draper cheats a lot, but this is network TV, so Nick has to be likable, so let’s have him kinda-sorta go out with other women all the time, but not really.” Sorry if I’m laying on the Mad Men comparisons this week, but I can’t help myself. I feel like someone who’s been crawling through the desert for a year and someone just handed me an icy cold glass of rubbing alcohol.

Frances Dunhill—who, of course, turns out to be a lesbian (speaking of lesbians: doesn’t the lesbian bunny sound like a pull-string doll?) At the suggestion of his new adviser, Sean (a.k.a. lesbian bunny’s beard) Nick decides, after about four seconds’ contemplation, the best thing for his campaign would be a fake relationship with “nice girl” Frances. They go out to fake dinner and share a fake kiss, and all the while Carol-Lynne is fuming. What a bitch, right? She decides to fight back with a fake relationship of her own, with the real state’s attorney.

We’re plunged into a bewildering storyline where The Doctor is in two places – as the Soothsayer Doctor in the dysfunctional “abortive” timeline, and as himself in the moments before his death. There are maneating skulls, eyedrives that help you remember The Silence, The Doctor pulls apart a Dalek looking for information, and Amy has an office on a train and has no idea who Rory is.

The episode itself is supposedly straightforward once you strip away all the zaniness. River – spoilers ahead – is the astronaut in Lake Silencio. She does indeed shoot The Doctor, but she depletes her weapons system, resulting in him surviving. But this has unexpected consequences for TIME ITSELF!!! Which results in time collapsing on itself. Winston Churchill being the Holy Roman Emperor and cars flying by balloon and pterodactyls in the local park. HAHA, IT’S BLINKING BONKERS!